The Monkey Tree

NLP is the most fantastic set of skills and abilities that you can easily learn that allow you to get more juice out of life.  It's full name is Neuro-Linguistic Programming and stems from the premise that all our behaviours and thought patterns are repeated sequences, which is great, because that means that any behaviour that we no longer desire can be changed.   For parents who have ever gone to bed muttering to themselves ‘I will do it differently tomorrow’, this is fantastic news.

Choosing a New Response

NLP helps us to build our own manual of how we operate, how those around us operate and how to interact with them successfully.  So where to start?  Parenting is a busy job, with little time for reflection and that is exactly where we need to start.  Our programming is similar to pressing play to hear a CD or flicking on the light.  The button is pressed, and the response is always the same: the CD plays or the light comes on.  There is no delay between the button and the response.  Someone says your name, touches you or does something in a certain way, and an internal response happens.  Press the same button and you will get the same response.  Now if this brings more happiness, enjoyment or pleasure, then it definitely comes under the banner of ‘if it ain't broke - don't fix it’.  However, children and partners alike, have a built-in homing system to press those buttons which produce a less than pleasant response inside. 

This is where NLP really comes into its own.  Here is an exercise for you to experiment with that will allow you to have more flexibility in your responses.

The Response-Ability Technique

This technique gives you the ability to choose your response.  

1. Choose an unwanted internal response that you would like more control over. Choose something small to practice on, rather than the thing that will begin an all-out row.  For example: your teenager has arrived home and dumped their shoes, coat, and several bags in the middle of the hall.
2. Begin to notice what triggers that response. Concentrating only on the mechanics of what has to happen rather than any meaning you may make of it. For example: If your immediate response is: ‘How could they?  I've told them a hundred times not to do it.  Nobody ever listens to me’. Notice instead the feelings you experience inside your body.
3. In your mind’s eye notice the trigger: In this step we begin to separate the button from the response.  Hear the words or see the action.  In our example it may be seeing the pile on the floor.  Immediately take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds.  Keep doing this until taking the deep breath comes quickly and easily.
4. Breathe naturally for three breaths and begin to find 10 new ways that you could interpret that behaviour. For example: My child feels so relaxed at home that his/her muscles no longer work in the same way and they could no longer grip the items or there is a strange force of gravity just inside your front door that sucks these things from the body or they have had a dreadful day and this is their way of symbolically separating from it so that they can be a normal human being at home.  Notice that these 10 new ways needn't be based in reality and the funnier they are the easier it will be to allow you to have a new response.  In fact, the number is 10 to give you the best opportunity to break this pattern.
5. Now allowing yourself the freedom to explore ask yourself, how would I like to respond?  How would I like to feel in my body?  Calm?  Stable in your body?  At ease with the world?  Begin to notice how it would be feeling your chosen feelings.   I wonder what new choices of response you may have.  For example: you might ask yourself if now is the best time to meet this head on, or perhaps by offering a drink or snack and suggesting they move the assault course from the hall may get your desired result without launching world war 3.
6. Once you have chosen the response you would like.  In your mind’s eye see the trigger.  Take a deep breath and run your new response.  Do this several times until it feels easy and natural.   You could experiment with some of the other responses to find the one that most suits you.
7. Wait patiently until the trigger appears in your world and notice how you respond. 

Many of our responses today came from watching those who are close to us when we were children.  If we exhibit anger or patience, that is what they will learn.  As with adults, children make meaning out of what happens around them, they do not always have the wisdom to interpret and will code their own meaning.  Sometimes this understanding is mistaken.  As with all things, there is a balance and if we concentrate on assisting them to interpret themselves, others and the world around them as empowering then we can tip the scales to allow them the best that life can give.  This is not to say that we shouldn’t protect them, wrapping them in cotton wool, however we can teach them to be themselves, allowing them to use their own wisdom, intuition and guidance when the chips are down.

As we begin to clean up our own act we teach the children in our care to do the same.  So, as well as learning how to enjoy life more, we are also teaching our children to respond in more positive ways and that they too can change learned behaviour.

NLP has many ways to bring awareness and freedom in your life, so if you want more confidence and better communication skills then consider our one-day courses: NLP for Parents, NLP for Teachers.  For a dynamic way of upgrading your skills and experience of life then, maybe, the four-day diploma in NLP is for you.

By Emily & Roger Terry

Emily and Roger Terry are Master NLP Trainers and live with their 14 year old son Sam and dog Zodiac near Chichester in West Sussex.  They are the founders of Evolution Training, an NLP training company that is committed to bringing awareness and freedom to humans everywhere.  Roger has trained NLP to 100’s of teachers on the Fast Track program – see his book co-authored with Richard Churches: NLP for teachers ISBN No: 978-1845900632 and the companion book NLP for Teachers Workbook which will be out early next year.

If you would like more information on NLP or free copies of extracts from the book published in the Times Educational Supplement or details of any of the courses we run then do call 01243 792122 or email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

You can get the book at Amazon, Waterstones and other good book stores.