The Monkey Tree

A tongue in cheek look at sporting life.  It’s that time of year once again.  The football season has been consigned to our collective memories, and offices up and down the country are going to be filled with two week experts on the varying minority sports of the summer.

The Long Summer Ahead

The curious decision to appoint professional window cleaner Steve McClaren to the post of England team manager means that we will be taking no part in the Euro 2008 tournament, a sentence that, to this day, still causes my eyes to water.

In truth, despite the devastating effect on the English flag trade, this is probably a good thing as it saves us all the exquisite agony of watching a succession of English footballers demonstrate rather accurately how not to take a penalty.

The Warm Front

Considering that the English summer can accurately be described as the Nicest Week of the Year, I sincerely hope that you have all been taking advantage of the unseasonal weather to push your children away from their PlayStations and out blinking into the sunshine.

I have mockingly suggested in the past that if a sport has little monetary reward at the end, then there is no point in pursuing a career in that field.  This, of course, is nonsense and should be ignored, rather like everything else in this column.  Sport can provide many huge benefits to a youngster long before they would be in a position to earn any money from a career.  The principles of teamwork, the concept of self discipline, the importance of practice are all emphasised and highlighted by playing a sport.  Your children can also begin to understand how a blame culture operates, the widespread art of mismanagement and get a feel for some ludicrous over competition.  All of which are invaluable in the modern workplace.
 

Take A Dive

The focus of the summer for me will be on the Beijing Olympics.  There has been a wonderful introduction to the Olympian ethos with the 3 month succession of fights in various parts of the world, whilst the Olympic torch was paraded around to a chorus of boos, and hordes of people in tracksuits scrapped with celebrities. And this was even before Wayne Rooney’s wedding.

Come August, however, we will all suddenly develop a very keen interest in typically British sports such as archery, shooting, badminton and diving.  I will have a keen eye in particular on Tom Daley, who at 14 will become Britain’s youngest ever Olympian when he competes in the 10m platform diving event.

On one hand, I will be looking on in awe, wondering how a child can become a world class competitor, and have a six pack, at that tender age.  There is another part of me, however - the concerned parent - who wonders exactly how a child of that age discovers that they have a talent for chucking themselves off a 10m high platform. 
 



Either way, events such as this are prime examples of how desperate we are as a nation for a glimmer of sporting success.  There is no doubt that if Daley ends up with the chance of a medal, then the entire nation will be up at 4.30am to watch, tutting loudly and bemoaning his body position upon entry to the water, like the nation of keen divers we are.

As a prior example, I can clearly remember sitting in a bar in Washington DC, transfixed by the final of the Women’s Curling in the 2002 Winter Olympics.  Not only was I unaware at the time that sweeping up was now considered an Olympic event, but I am still unable to this day to determine what exactly is the objective of that sport.  None of those things prevented me from bemoaning the tactics being used, of course, which is precisely what is likely to happen again this summer if one of our fencing competitors makes the final of the Epee.  (Whatever that is). 

I’ve Shouted Myself Horse

Is gambling good for kids?  Not perhaps a common topic for discussion amongst normal folk, and so, therefore, a hot issue in my office.  I mention this because of the recent Grand National steeplechase which was perhaps a first introduction to Horse Racing for most of our offspring.  As a sport it is a thrilling spectacle, even if it contravenes my laws about events that are methods of transport not being a true sport and despite the inherent danger of jumping over large objects at high speeds, with the added bonus of a potential windfall at the end of the race if you have correctly predicted the winner.  Needless to say, it is slightly more dangerous for the horses than the spectators.  I always find it particular amusing that despite pleas from horse lovers that the animals in question absolutely love to jump fences, whenever there is a  riderless horse you’ll notice that they take great care to go around Beechers Brook.  But I digress.

To return to my original, flippant point, gambling, of course, isn’t something to be recommended for children but it does give them a basic grasp of mathematics if you’re scratching round for a silver lining.  The best way to involve kids is to have a sweepstake which allows them not only to have a stake in the race without the concept of actually gambling any money, but also to rip up a newspaper and put the pieces in a hat.

It should be noted that sweepstakes themselves are a tricky thing.  I recall vividly the 2006 World Cup when I arranged one for my family, and seeded the Czech Republic above Italy to much general consternation.  Despite my protestations and general know-it-all-ness, the rumblings grew much louder when the Italians eventually won the tournament which merely confirmed my view that when a man thinks he knows about a topic (International Football) he still shouldn’t argue with a higher power (his Mum).
 
James Kearns writes a weekly West Ham United blog, "The H List" which can be read for free at http://thehlist.blogspot.com/