The Monkey Tree

"Dad, she's in my room getting into my things again!"..."Mum, he won't stop annoying me!"..."Me first! Me first! Me first!"...Sound familiar?  If you have more than one child, the answer is probably "yes," because these are the sounds of sibling rivalry or sibling conflict.  Joe Lindo health visitor explains. 

While many children are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it's very common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)

The term sibling refers to children who are related and living in the same family. It seems strange that whenever the word sibling comes up, the word rivalry seems sure to follow despite the fact that there are many solid sibling relationships in families.  Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families have. Some modern and noted examples of sibling rivalry are the bickering, tussles and public feuds of Noel and Liam Gallagher from Brit rock band Oasis. There have also been the keenly awaited if not nail-biting showdowns on Wimbledon’s centre court by the Williams sisters Serena and Venus.

It isn't difficult to find the root cause of sibling rivalry and nature offers us many examples. In some extreme cases of sibling rivalry, the biggest of the baby sharks that are developing within the mother shark's womb will devour all of his brothers and sisters, ensuring that they receive all of the available food resources; another example is where the first born baby eaglet will push all the other siblings out from the nest as they come out of their eggs, that way all the food that the mother eagle brings will be only for him.

The basic problem especially in nature is one of competition for limited or scarce resources; the competition is usually for food. Whenever there are two individuals or species that consume the same type of food in the same area (or habitat) they will fight with each other until one of them manages to kill or drive the other out, leaving the winner with sole access to the food resources available in that area. A similar competition exists between siblings in human families. However, here the scarce resources are the TIME, ATTENTION, LOVE and APPROVAL that the parents can give to each of their children.

So Why Do My children Fight?

There are many different things which cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also might influence how often children fight and how severe the fighting gets. These include:

Evolving needs: It's natural for children’s changing needs, anxieties, and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their will, which they will do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively. School-age children often have a strong concept of fairness and equality so might not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the way children fight with one another.

Individual temperaments:

Your children’s individual temperaments including mood, disposition, adaptability and their unique personalities, play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often not see eye to eye in certain situations and this may lead to conflict. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.

Special needs/sick children:

Sometimes, a child has special needs due to illness or learning/emotional issues and may require more parental time. The other child/children may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's happening to the other child.

Gifted Children:

Some children are gifted and have the ability to pick up things quickly and easily. Parents have a tendency (not all, but most at some point in time) to compare one child against another especially during the key developmental stages. This can result in resentment from one or more of the siblings who somehow never measure up against their gifted sibling. In such cases it is important to be honest with your children to help them recognise their strengths and weaknesses. Help them to recognise that they should not expect to be good at everything. Their sibling may be academically good and get straight ‘A’s but they probably are not as good at sports, singing, art and so on; value all of your children’s skills and do not isolate one as being better than another. It's also okay to mention your weaknesses; this can be especially effective if there is something you don't do as well as your child who lacks confidence.

Role models:

The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for children. If you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that is respectful, productive, and non-aggressive, you increase your children’s chances of adopting these tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your children see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

One of the major cases of sibling rivalry is the introduction of someone new into the family. Children prefer to have their parents' love and attention all to themselves, and they often display jealous feelings when a younger sibling is born. So what strategies can be employed to help lessen the impact of the new arrival?

Prepare your child for a new baby

While you and your partner are thrilled to be expecting again, your child may be less than happy! There are things you can do to reduce jealous feelings before the birth:

• Explain in advance - tell your child you're pregnant and that another baby will soon join the family. Nine months can seem like an eternity to a small child so there's no need to tell them too soon, but then you don't want them to find out from someone else either.
• Reassure them - give plenty of comfort to a child who seems worried or upset. Explain you'll always love them.
• Be honest - explain that babies can't do anything for themselves and need a lot of time and attention. Also explain that they tend to cry a lot and it's their way of communicating.
• Involve your child - where possible, get your child to help in preparing for the baby. This may be getting the nursery ready or going shopping for clothes for the baby.
• Avoid change - try to avoid making changes to their routine close to the birth.

If you are currently experiencing problems with sibling rivalry how can you help your children to get along better? Here are some basic rules:

• Never compare your children, as mentioned before this is not advisable and will create greater friction between them.
• Don’t typecast, let each child be who they are, don’t try to pigeonhole or label them and don’t play favourites.
• Set your children up to cooperate rather than compete, for example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
• Pay attention to the time of day and other patterns in when conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the children are at loose ends could help avert your children’s conflicts.
• Teach your children positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.
• Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. Even if you are able to do everything totally equitably, your children may still feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
• Plan family activities that are fun for everyone, if your children have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
• Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Children need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property respected.

What can you do when your children are at each other (again)?

Well research shows that while you should pay attention to your children’s conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you notice abuse if it occurs), it’s best not to intervene. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other. This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.” Teach your children how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Express your confidence in your children’s ability to work it out, by saying things such as, “I’m sure you two can figure out a solution.” Don’t get drawn in.

If you do need to intervene remember:

• If you are constantly angry at your children, it is no wonder they are angry at each other! Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs.
• Don’t yell or lecture, it won’t help, and it doesn’t matter who started it, because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold the children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
• In a conflict situation, give your children a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your children find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
• Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.

Will things get better? On the whole they do; with your help your children will learn how to handle difficult situations and still remain friends.