The Monkey Tree

Some children are raring to burst through the doors of ‘big school’ but most have some reservations. Even if they are unspoken. Alison Stoker speaks to George Paparestis-Stacey, Edison School’s Achievement Advisor on student and family support, formerly of Essex LEA Behaviour Support Service and an experienced teacher about how to make the process as stress free as possible.

September looms and you have spent all summer talking about how much fun it’s going to be to don a uniform, pick up a school bag and embark on one of life’s most influential events. This can be daunting for both you and your child. "Hopefully your child will be familiar with the environment of a nursery or pre-school. This provides exposure to many of the necessary social and interactive skills, all of which form the foundation of a secure start at school," says George Paparestis-Stacey. ‘The support and understanding of the immediate family is extremely important. Dissuade older siblings and family members from negative first day stories. Essentially, just keep the approach as low key as it needs to be and be naturally positive. Every parent hopes to avoid having to peel their child off of them at the door, or deal with the emotional trauma of tearful pleas. But are you ready for your little one to leave toddlerhood and grow up? It’s the unspoken fear of many parents.

‘We all suffer anxiety about something new. Over-anxious parents can easily feed into their child’s anxiety,’ says George. ‘I recall one parent who insisted on coming into the class with their child and progressively became more difficult to be persuaded to go.  Many schools recognize this and have the skills and strategies to address the issue.’ A strict door policy may seem harsh, as may a teacher who dissuades you from lengthy goodbyes, but most schools encourage as little fuss as possible.

It’s perfectly normal for a child to show some signs of fearing school. If they are verbalising these feelings then you can tackle that quite simply according to George. ‘Try to find out what’s underneath the worry and begin to dispel it.  For example, they may have heard a scary story/ myth, or be worried about meeting others, frightened of strange adults at the school etc.’ Less verbal pointers that your child is suffering from anxiety can be any of the following-

• Frequent stomachaches and other minor physical complaints
• Becoming over clingy
• Panic or tantrums when separated from you
• Trouble sleeping and bad dreams

‘Talking them through exactly what is going to happen during the first day will often dispel the worry or give you pointers on how to address the worry,’ suggests George. 

When the big day arrives, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you’re going to be on time. As obvious as this sounds there are so many potential obstacles that may delay you. The need for a pep talk by your child, losing items, sudden demands or even stalling strategies can make for a very stressful morning when you’re against the clock. Arriving late into class will only draw unwanted attention to your child and may mean that they miss essential information and interaction.

Some children skip off happily, but according to George a few tears while saying goodbye is nothing to be overly concerned about. ‘Let the teacher take over as soon as possible, remain calm, and in a calm voice assure your child and then go.  Don’t make unrealistic promises about coming to get them, or offer excessive rewards.’ In George’s experience the most difficulty is often caused by the (naturally concerned) parent remaining within view of their child for too long. This leaves the teacher struggling to keep the child calm, whilst simultaneously trying to get a parent to leave.

‘Separation Anxiety is probably the most common phobia, which can be very unsettling for the child and equally frustrating and worrying for parents.’ This anxiety is part of the process of a child growing up and finding their feet. Prepare them as best you can for their experience of school. With an entire class of children to teach a reception year teacher does not have the time to dress or undress, tie shoelaces or fasten coats for every child in the class. Giving your child a level of independence before they reach school may be the difference between them feeling part of the class or like an inept baby.  Academically it will help them no end for you to have counted stairs with them, read to them, asked them to recognise colours, shapes, numbers and even letters. This doesn’t have to be formal ‘learning’ it can be practiced on walk, a car journey or in a picture book. Regardless of your child’s level of ability you’re laying foundations, which will be built upon at school.

As the term commences and the weeks pass any anxiety should lessen. ‘The first half term, if not sooner, should see most children firmly settled.  Anxiety can be triggered at other times though, depending on home circumstances and issues at school. As any parent knows, it is important to keep listening to your child,’ says George.

More often overlooked are the nerves that children of all ages feel about returning to school. It may be because they didn’t particularly enjoy the previous school year, their dislike of the structure or simply a loathing of early mornings. In many cases all it takes is a few words of encouragement and within a week or two it’s as if the summer holidays never happened. If a child’s aversion to school comes from a more negative experience such as the dislike of teacher or fellow pupil it’s necessary to help them to draw a line under the previous year and try and start afresh. ‘Personality dislikes are often the trickiest to resolve as they take time.  If the child has been bullied then hopefully the school will have resolved the situation appropriately and to everyone’s satisfaction,’ suggests George.

‘An approach being used by successful schools is the fresh-start approach as a matter of being, not just for every new year or term, but weekly, daily, and by lesson if needs be.  That doesn’t mean being soft, rather it’s about promoting a culture and values which gives kids opportunities to learn from their choices and help them in recognizing positive and negative choices, and the consequences that’ll follow from them.’ If behavioural issues have been a problem either in your child or at the hands of others this a chance to wipe the slate clean. ‘For parents its about not taking things into your own hands e.g. try not to arm your child with stand up and fight type strategies, or tell them not to listen to the teacher.  Diminishing the school in the child’s eyes will only increase the problem. It’s far better to approach the school in a spirit of co-operation and to work with them.’

Accentuating the positives, whether your child is just starting or re-commencing school after the long summer holidays is a message to your child that you know it’s going to be OK. Your influence can instil great confidence. Though at times you may not think so, your nod of approval is the most important thing in the world to them. Take a look at George’s tips for a successful first day at school and feel thoroughly prepared for September. 

Tips for a successful first day

• Arrange visits to the school, initially at quieter times and meeting the teacher/s will help.
• Ask for or take (with permission) some photos of the school, teacher/s etc and make up into a “My New School” book. Get your child to help you with this and make it fun. This can be referred to during the summer holidays if you do it in the term prior to starting.
• Encourage friendships with other children who will also be attending the new school. If possible invite ‘new friends’ to play – familiar faces are always helpful.
• Make sure your child knows how to put on their coat and do up their shoes.
• On the first day find the toilet (not being able to find a toilet is many child’s worse nightmare).
• Make goodbye a swift, calm affair, rather than a drawn-out tearjerker.
• Give yourself longer than you think you’ll need for the journey, a late child is a stressed child.
• Relax, your child will sense any anxiety you feel and act on it.
• Know that your child is going to cheer up and have a good time even if they were sad to see you leave.
• Relish the time you get to yourself or with your other children and enjoy sharing your child’s new knowledge and experiences when they get home from school.

For more information about helping your child with their first day at school visit www.surestart.gov.uk