Do you feel you’re on the rollercoaster of life, with little opportunity to relax, or appreciate your kids?Have you wondered if you are doing the right thing, when things just don’t seem to be turning out how you wanted, or your kids don’t turn out to be the people you had hoped they would be? Being a parent can be the hardest job on earth, expert parent Rita Offen gives us tips and most importantly, gives us hope
that we can ‘chill out’ and be great parents.
It could be said today that, we, as a Nation, have ridiculously high expectations, both of ourselves and of our children. Thanks to the rich and powerful West and its persistent messages telling us that we can’t be happy unless we have and spend money, a large number of people in the world equate happiness and money as the meaning of life. Thanks to the generally accepted view that if we do not do well at school we will not do well out of school, and thus not have money, many children experience pressure to achieve. High expectations are great when we can meet them, but when not met, when thwarted in some way, such emotions as anger, unhappiness, frustration and apathy manifest themselves.
In the UK in 2004/2005 it was estimated that around half a million individuals believed they were experiencing work-related stress at a level that was making them ill. A survey published in 2000 showed that 10% of children aged 5-15 had a mental health problem, the most common problems being emotional disorders (such as depression, anxiety and obsessions), hyperactivity (inattention and over-activity) and conduct disorders (awkward, troublesome behaviour).
Much of the time our children are in the care of others, be it at nursery, pre-school, or school. Yet the significant and major influence on their lives is the home and the relationships they experience there. No matter how much we focus upon our life achievements outside of the family, it’s the experiences we have within the family that shape what we achieve and how we live as adults in later years. A close friend once described to me how his father spent very little time with him as a child, and even remembered how when they crossed a road his father did not hold his hand, but held his wrist. He interpreted that to mean, that for the first 40 years of his life his father did not love him, in fact he felt that his father did not even like him, and therefore, that he (my friend) was not good enough. Such a meaning affected most of what he did in his life from then on, from the moment he made that decision “I’m not good enough”, through school, work and relationships, and it was when (in later years) he realised this, he could see how it had shaped his life.
As parents, the home environment we provide for our children, and the way we interact with them, our relationship with them, goes a long way to shaping our children’s lives. Such a relationship is the key foundation on which our children can build their lives and reach their goals at school, career and in relationships with others.
The family home is where they spend their most formative years, where they learn the most important habits that they take into adulthood and pass on to their own children. Children learn what they live. You can try to tell a child how to bake a cake, but he’ll really learn by watching you. Many of us have habits (good and bad), and we don’t know where we got them from, until we visit mum and dad one day and see one of them exhibiting that very same habit.
So what can we do to nurture a good relationship with our children? There are many ways, but here are seven key points to remember:
1. KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS UNDER CONTROL
Anger can be a paralyzing and debilitating condition. It can be a terrifying and degrading experience for your child if you’re taking your anger out on them. Physical and verbal abuse of a child can have lasting and lethal implications, so it’s crucial that as a parent, you do whatever necessary to get your anger in check. As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to undo the wrongs that were done to you as a child if you had an angry and abusive parent or parents. It can be very curative and demonstrate where your troubles lie, and inspire you to fix them. Perhaps your past is filled with unresolved hurt and anger. If so, take the necessary steps to heal yourself. If you don’t, you could unwillingly and unthinkingly harm your child. Studies have shown that children whose mothers often express anger are more likely to be difficult to discipline. Identify problems from your past and honestly look at current situations that are angering you. Maybe you aren’t fulfilled at work; perhaps your spouse and you are having relationship or financial troubles, maybe you have other personal issues or unfulfilled goals that are bothering you. If all your child ever sees is your angry face and hears an angry voice, that’s what they’ll most likely grow into as well.
2. LISTEN TO THE WAY YOU’RE TALKING TO YOUR CHILD
Kids pick up our tone, the speed at which we speak, the words we use, and they interpret them how they can. It’s easy, in a hectic moment, to react impatiently, and to us it may be totally justified, but to a child it brings bewilderment. The way we speak affects our relationships, and often we do not or cannot hear ourselves. For example, I met a mum a while ago whose son was repeatedly rebellious and the two did not get on at all. When listening to her speech it was, however, clear what was going on. When she spoke to her son, as opposed to anyone else, her tone was high-pitched, impatient, and condemnatory. He was sensitive to this, and of course, reacted appropriately. His mum was not aware of what she was doing, because she was living it, it was a habit, and so she could not hear herself.
3. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
Whatever your children do, right or wrong, they must know that you love them anyway. One way to illustrate this is by looking at the area of mistakes. Children who fear punishment or loss of love from their parents when they make a mistake learn to hide their mistakes. They learn to feel unworthy, and then avoid trying new things in case they make a mistake. Accept their mistakes as the path to learning and growing, and help them to accept their mistakes freely, and for them to ask rather “how can I learn from this?”
4. ADMIT YOUR OWN MISTAKES
This is very powerful. If you make a mistake, or you do something you regret later, often the best way to deal with it is to admit you’re wrong and apologise. It shows you’re human, and that you are willing to stick by your own rules. What better example to set to your children?
5. TELL YOUR CHILD YOU LOVE HIM/HER
Obvious, but surprisingly many parents do not do so. It’s easy to be caught up in our responsibilities, to forget, or to assume your child knows this. He probably does, but telling him so gives him a degree of certainty in an otherwise uncertain world.
6. TAKE TIME OUT TO TALK
Time alone, away from their siblings, away from interruptions, on a one-to-one basis is powerful. It says “you matter”. It allows you to really get to know what’s going on in your child’s world. Parents who have more than one child know what it is like to try to have a one-to-one conversation with other family members around. Non-stop interruptions can be quite frustrating. Making time, even if it’s only once a week, can make a big difference.
7. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD
This is how you build trust and openness, strengthen your relationship and create closeness. Humans need to be understood. They need to know they have been heard. If you’re not listening to your child, he knows. By listening you’re showing him that what he has to say is important to you. The ability to listen and to be in another person’s world is a magic component of forming good relationships. People love it when you listen to them and they will learn listening skills of their own.
To nurture our happy and confident children, the home is the garden, the foundation on which they grow. Whatever the challenges that present themselves for our children, or the disasters that occur along the way, if they have a loving home and a relationship with their parents built on trust and respect, then they can take on whatever comes their way. And not only that, throughout their adulthood, when they have flown the nest, they will have fond memories on which to draw, and the respect and support you gave them through life will be returned with kindness.
Rita Offen is a parent and Author of “The Chilled Parent – Effective Parenting, Peacefully and Powerfully”, as well as a Speaker and keen promoter of the Montessori method of education, and a soon to be foster parent.
The Chilled Parent
Published by Ecademy Press
ISBN No. 978-1-905823-19-2,
Available from Amazon and
good book stores.